Greetings and salutations! Forgive the absence – November and December were a blur. I feel so rusty, and I’ve been indecisive on which topic to write. My folder is full of ideas, but I can’t get it together.
The last months were great – busy and productive, and the holidays were peaceful, non-materialistic, simple and not overindulgent. Amid feelings of bliss I am forced to encounter people who are…not happy…or confused?
Some incidents occurred, which at the time peeved me, but I had my outburst and it was over. Now, I am grateful because these nothings were so absurd, they offered up a treasure trove for me.
During my down time I caught the HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm. A line, from Larry, came up more than once: “I don’t subscribe to…” referring to a belief/custom/social norm – fill in the blank. The one I remember is he’s asked to take a house tour because Susie and Jeff move into a new home. Larry refuses. A screaming match ensues. Regarding house tours, I’m with Larry. Unless you’re showing me around Chatsworth or Highclere Castle, I’m not interested. We have to see the matching curtains and bedspreads – whatever (a major interior design violation in my book) in your daughter’s bedroom? What is the message we are supposed to receive – wow you have great stuff, you can recognize various hues of pink and put them together? What am I’m missing?
I wasn’t asked to take a house tour, but I’m citing Curb because I feel that the “I don’t subscribe to…” can fill a lot of ellipses in my observations of the world as I watch people go crazy or reveal some weird neurosis that is obnoxious.
Let’s start: “I don’t subscribe to your desperate need to be flattered, nor do I care how many people think you are amazing.” This is for an 86-year-old woman who is related to me by a misalliance of marriage.
“I don’t subscribe to baby talk or cutesy talk unless you are under the age of five.”
“I don’t subscribe to the use of the word ‘metrics’ in a sentence when talking about a person.”
“I don’t subscribe to complaints or bitching without a solution (no matter how half-baked), or trying to help (no matter how inept).”
“I don’t subscribe to your identity/victim don’t hurt me schtick, which you think is a hall pass for your shitty behavior.”
“I don’t subscribe to feigning interest in the description and explanation of your tattoos/piercings/Manic Panic hair color, etc.”
“I don’t subscribe to the notion that a person will have apoplexy or syncope if I say ‘fuck.'”
“I don’t subscribe to the contagion of business speak – speak in plain English!”
Example: “Utilize historical and predictive analysis to inform media decisions, develop media approach and strategic direction for various initiatives, define target audiences, create and execute plans designed to maximize efficiency and effectiveness, and use data and tech advancements to drive corporate and network goals. On-boarding new employees, training, growing and supporting direct reports and colleagues.”
I speak four languages aside from English, and I recognize the above words, but the arrangement baffles me. What does this MEAN?!!!
Maybe I don’t want to know. The list goes on, but I will end here and declare that I do subscribe to apologizing when required, while simultaneously encouraging the refusal to “buy in.”
PS. After writing the new post: “Pâté for the Partay…” I realize I have another “cancel.” I don’t subscribe to the “I’m a cat person,” or “I’m a dog person.” Why are humans so self-limiting? We have to chose sides? Can’t we love both…or better…all the lovely creatures?
Sounds certainly well thought out. Would it be ok to counter with a question?
Here’s one: I don’t subscribe to slipping into the conversation (within the first few minutes) where you went to college if it’s been more than two years since you graduated.” That’s a deal-breaker.
I love “Cancel My Subscription” especially the part about “I don’t subscribe to the contagion of business-speak – speak in plain English!” 👏🏼The length was perfect no too short not too long. xo
Clare: here’s another one from my old prep school: “We were pushed to problem solve, to locate our own subjectivity in society, and to peer into different moral universes.” Huh? Sounds well-intentioned but I need an interpreter. Et tu my old school?
😊Good one. My creed: Beware of people who believe their own bullshit.
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Clare! Just read “Cancel My Subscription” – I love it! Laughed so hard especially because I know you – made it that much funnier. Clever as always Miss Clare…you are a genius!!!
Thank you for this entry, it is incredibly useful to me! Much easier to understand than other bloggers out there.
Hee-hee “On-boarding new employees”! Whaa…hope they have their seat belts fastened. Your PS, agreed! Dog vs. cats – how ridiculous. Do you hear anyone say I’m a parakeet person or I’m a iguana person?
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